Here I am, writing another post about how long it's been since I've written “another post”.
My blog has always been about my experience with eating, dieting, weight loss, what works for me and what doesn't. However, over the last 6 months, I haven't been sharing what's been going on in my life.
It's not because I haven't wanted to share, but more that I hit a wall again where I turn inward – everything is dark, I get depressed and angry with myself. Sharing with you would mean that I would have to face what was going on – the struggle I found myself in once again. I just wanted to numb.
Numb with food – AGAIN!
Yes, it happened, after all the weight I lost on Ideal Protein over the last year, I resorted back to my old ways of numbing with food in the midst of being stressed out from my new job, new city, and lack of family and friends in this new place.
Though I lost all this weight – and did really well with it – I didn't learn the tools necessary to handle when “life” got in the way. I never have learned that in the past – hence the reason I keep falling back into old patterns.
Patterns of Dieting
These patterns have been around for over 25 years in my life. Do you recognize any of these?
- Life happens, be it small or large and I get stressed out and don't know where to turn except to food.
- I tell myself just this once I'll eat this specific food that's not on my diet. Of course that's a lie.
- I continue to eat those foods and continue to lie to myself that I'll start back on the diet tomorrow then that turns into next week.
- All the while I'm eating all the foods not on the diet – the “forbidden” foods – because when I start back on the diet again I can't eat these “bad” foods so I need to suck down as much as I can now. Sound familiar?
- One day turns into one week – then one week turns into one month and next thing I know it's 6 months later and I've gained back almost all the weight I lost. I call this my fog.
- So then when I wake up from this fog and I now get to be angry with myself – shaming myself for what I've done.
- Then I get depressed, sullen, eat some more food, gain more weight, numb, get angry, depressed, sullen, eat even more food, gain more weight – and the cycle continues.
- Along with all of this, I am embarrassed at what I've done and I don't want to socialize with anyone who hasn't seen me in awhile because then they will know my dirty little secret. They will know how weak I am and how I've failed ONCE AGAIN. Hell, I don't even want to socialize with myself. I'd rather stay inside, watch tv, scour the Internet, and read Facebook to see how wonderful everybody else's life really is. Do you see the darkness and depression in this behavior?
- Next I come to this epiphany that I must do something about this – so I seek out the next diet. What will it be this time? Raw food again, no, I'll become a vegan and lose weight fast, or what about weight watchers – that seems pretty reasonable, or I can suck down green smoothies for 4 months and lose all the weight fast. Oh, and I need to do this quickly because I have a vacation coming up! I don't have anything against green smoothies, but I go to extreme behavior instead of keeping it balanced.
- Once I get my momentum going on a new diet, I'm all in all the way – I'm losing weight, people are noticing and making wonderful comments about how well I'm doing. Life is good – so I thought.
- Then – life happens…………….
- ….and the cycle continues.
This time was different though when I came out of the fog.
I reached out to a support group I am a part of and just became brutally vulnerable – telling them my issue and honestly not knowing what the next steps were going to be. Just knowing that somebody else knew and I wasn't hiding felt good to me and also knowing these ladies would support me, never judge, and cheer me on to the new chapter in this evolution.
ev·o·lu·tion – any process of formation or growth, development; a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change
Oh, and I dyed my hair blonde and cut it short 🙂 Another part of the evolution since my hair fell out from the Ideal Protein diet.
Stay tuned to find out what road I traveled down in this evolution.
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